Times like that were good, because most every time when I came out, Dad wouldn’t yell at me and, if I stood by Paul’s chair, Paul would stroke my ...air or my back, absentmindedly. As young as I was, I wished I had a way to tell him how much that meant to me. Many evenings, Paul would have dinner with us, others he would I guess go home. When Mom went back to work full time, I would sometimes have a sitter of sorts when I got home from school. I say “of sorts”, because it was Mrs. DeCarlo. When there is no marker of time, one starts to lose their selves, imagine what is not there, to hear the one thing they come to anticipate single-mindedly. The association between Pavlov’s dog, the tuning fork and food proved a more perverse aspect of the psyche – cruel anticipation of the little chime. Even more perverse since your chime only means fresh pain, which, by this time, is not even half-reward for the almost broken creature at your whim. Your voice brings constant fear, fresh tears. More

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